At any point in
our lives we may face losing someone dear to us. People die, lives change and
we have to deal with the ensuing sense of loss. For me, the emotions that go
with this don’t so much diminish with time, but become something with which I
learn to cope. I accept the sadness, and very real ache that goes with grief.
With time I’m able to keep the sorrows under control. I know that certain
memories, will include strong emotions, both happy and sad. Coping means
learning when and how much I let those feelings loose. I try to focus on the
happy parts of things, but I think that denying the sad parts would be
unhealthy. I prefer to know what makes me sad instead of letting something
buried cause me trouble. That is how I tend to deal with direct experiences of
grief and loss.
I am mostly a
pretty happy person. So it seems a little unusual for me to be introspective
about what makes me sad. Perhaps its part of aging, but lately I seem to be
more aware of the grief of people I know. I’m not turning into some sort of
vicarious grief junky, but when someone loses someone I feel completely
inadequate to explain my sympathy. A sister-in-law’s father passes, a brother’s
friend is suddenly gone, and I feel a loss. I never knew the people who died.
Yet I feel sorrow at their passing. Not just the sadness I feel because the
people I know are grieving. I feel a loss. How can I feel loss over the demise
of someone I didn’t know? This is different than sadness over the passing of
some famous person I admire.
When someone I
care for is grieving, I know they have lost someone important to them. Because
they are gone, I will never have the chance to know for myself how special they
were. If I am very lucky, the person close to me might share some of their
positive experiences. So part of the loss I feel is the missed opportunity to
know a unique person. Mortality means there are so many wonderful people I will
never get to know. I don’t lose sleep over missed financial and career
opportunities. There have been a few but those are things I never had. But I do
feel some sadness over people I might have known.
From time to time
I am asked to give a general toast. I first heard my favorite at a gathering of
motorcyclists. “Here’s to absent friends,” was meant to include those who were
unable to attend, living or dead. For me it has come to include friends I’ve
known and those I dearly wish I had.
Ben
Calgary, 4
February 2012
